Another Freaking Breakup

Breakups are the worst, aren’t they? I’ve talked a little about breakups before, and I gave some good tips for getting through. Honestly, I can use any and all tips for maintaining balanced relationships. This time, a friend described my split as “a successful relationship that didn’t work out.” Part of me thinks, “another freaking breakup” but another side of me, the Ironman part, is determined to gain and grow from this.

What was right? Or wrong?

Before I delve into what went right and wrong in my relationship, let me first tell you a little something about me. I’m an enneagram 8 (the Challenger) and can hold my ground. Try to metaphorically push me out of the way, and you’ll get a piece of my mind. While I don’t love confrontation, it doesn’t bother me. I feel comfortable in what I believe and what I stand for. I wouldn’t sacrifice who I am just to please someone else.

Or at least usually.

I realized something scary in my most recent relationship: I sacrifice and compromise to meet the needs of the other person. Now sacrifice is a part of growing deep love, but I found I would continually give up what I wanted or needed in order to be able to keep the relationship going.

#notgood

For example, Mister X, my last boyfriend, had an incredibly demanding schedule. I don’t want to get into details because that’s his business, but he had a child, copious family demands, and a job that called him into work at a moment’s notice.

Quality time is my love language, and to be in a committed relationship with a man, I need to enjoy 1-2 dates with them a week. I have a lot of preferences: someone who like sports, enjoys exercise, can put a decent outfit together… AND THEN I have boundaries: Christian faith, availability for quality time, and ability to spell (seriously, folks). There is a big difference between a preference and a boundary.

Another Freaking Breakup

I realized early on his lifestyle and job wouldn’t allow my quality time need to be met. So what did I do? Did I have a conversation with him telling him this and then separating because we have different values on spending time in relationships (a non-negotiable for me)?

Nope. I did not.

Instead, I had a conversation with him, and he said he wouldn’t be able to meet that need. And I said…

“Okay, I’ll try to figure it out.”

I’ll handle it. (I’m a dope). So I stuffed my need down deep, invalidated my own soul and inner person, and sacrificed in order to stay with this person.

I suggested compromises he would ultimately reject and told myself who he was as a person (he is a good man) was more important than my relationship needs. If I had something going on and he suddenly had time, I would shelf my project or daily goal in order to accept time from him. Repeatedly.

Sounds super healthy, right?

I rationalized that in training for an Ironman or a 100-mile ultra, I had to do a lot of things when I didn’t feel like it. Training had to happen whether I was in the mood or not. I tried to apply the same thought process in my life.

But it didn’t fit.

Going 1-2 weeks (or even three weeks) without seeing my boyfriend and having plans cancelled at a moment’s notice (for up four dates in a row) made me feel anxious and unimportant.

Self-check

In retrospect, I’m really happy all this happened. Before the breakup with Mister X, I found a therapist and started working through this type of anxiety which manifests itself in relationships. I never told him I started therapy, but I did it for me, so I could be the best partner possible (the best me).

Truthfully, seeing a therapist makes me feel weak. But, I’m dealing with that, too. I’d rather be secure in my next relationship and find my “forever person” than to wonder what people think of me because I get counseling. I have my wheelhouse. Part of “strength” is knowing when to ask for help.

Also, I’m working on self-soothing, self love, and learning my needs ARE valid and to accept them. I also need to accept the other person without trying to change them or “tinker” with our relationship in order to get the outcome I want.

It’s okay that I enjoy quality time and desire it to be a cornerstone of my romantic relationships.

It’s okay that he loves his job and prioritizes it.

It just means we don’t fit, and that’s okay, too.

The bottom line is….

if you know any good men local to my area, please send them my way. I’m becoming a better partner with each experience, and I’m excited to continue growing after another freaking breakup (#truestory).

The struggle is real…

Love, K.

Author of Ten Iron Principles, Contributor in The Power to Make a Difference