Conflict will come. The question isn’t, “if?” but “when?” As a writer, I love conflict. Struggles lie at the center of every fictional story ever created. But, in regular life, disagreements can be overwhelming. How do we deal with conflict in life?
First, let’s look at why conflict occurs. Well, people maintain varying goals and perspectives. We all tend to see life from where we stand. The span of humankind has different coping styles and contrary core values. And, for me, the biggest source of conflict is unmatched expectations.
Whatever the reason, conflict looms up in life, and it’s a hurdle we cannot cast aside. So, how do we deal with it?
In my experience, nasty comments, throwing things, slamming down phones, and screaming leave a little to be desired in the conflict resolution department (I may or may not have tried all of these approaches at some point in my life). Is there a better way?
5 Tips to Deal with Conflict
1. Regulate your emotional mindset
This is a fancy way to say, “don’t speak when you’re angry.” While it can seem like a good idea to get it off your chest right away, that’s not always the best plan. Once the dust settles, your viewpoint might shift a little and grace may creep its way in. Best to leave room for both. My friend and prayer partner introduced the “5-hour rule” in my life. I need to wait five hours before addressing any perceived injustice (this is a new thing…I’ll let you know how it goes).
2. Don’t point fingers
Undoubtedly, it’s easy to make assumptions and blame the other person. However, I know of no scenario where this is well received. While I whole-heartedly believe in speaking the truth, we can present facts and explain our feelings without pointing fingers at the other person.
3. Watch your stance
How you stand and how you speak (your tone and incantation) matter. No one on the planet knows this better than I do. Regardless of whether my voice sounds happy or like acid to others, I can discern no difference. So, my anger can pour out without my intending it to. Thus, be mindful of the nonverbal signals you may be sending.
4. Listen first
Along the same line, it’s easy to jump in and feel we have a full view of the situation when we may not. Make it a practice to listen first, even if the other person is screaming. Screaming back has never solved anything. Therefore, if a resolution is the goal, hear them out first no matter how difficult that may be.
5. Ask questions
Lastly, make sure you clarify things. It’s entirely possible that both parties are coming from different angles but harboring similar intentions. Try to ensure you understand the situation and iron out any wrinkles. This could save some headaches.
The point?
We’re not five years old anymore. I’m a big fan of directly confronting an issue, but believe me when I tell you that my process is fraught with problems. But, re-centering yourself and using the 5 tips on how to deal with conflict are good first steps toward a peaceful solution.
Love, K.
Author, Ten Iron Principles
Some great thoughts and approaches there Ms. Kelly. As I’ve grown older (you have a very long way to go to catch up by the way young lady), I’ve learned through trial and error. I’ve also learned that not every approach works with ever personality. Knowing the person(s) on the other side of the conflict and how we can best deal with their personality types makes a big difference too. One thought, which I admittedly may have missed above, is to let your emails sit in the Draft folder for a little bit. Then go back and re-read your email or reply after you’ve had a little time to let the issue simmer rather than addressing it while at a rolling boil. I almost always go back and change my email language. The worst part about email is that we can’t interact and see the other persons body language or visual cues. Without those, our minds often assume the worst, when that wasn’t the case at all. God’s blessings for this timely message ma’am.
Your words are true!!! I struggle with reacting too quickly.
Wonderful counsel and advice. I also read the Sacrificial Love: Love Spelled TIME blog of yours that you linked to. It was awesome as well. Your blog has become a must-read. Your blog is one of the few I read on a regular basis. I love your prose and the content is pretty awesome. Your insights have become as a compass helping keep my life on course.
This is one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. Thank you so much!
Great advice, Kelly. I’ve tried most of these and they work! But, I admit to not always being consistent so I appreciate your wisdom. Your advice is especially relevant during the stress of the Christmas season and for the New Year (when we all hope to be a better person!) Happy 2020!
Intriguing and thought-provoking tips to help with conflict, and I’ve especially never thought about my stance as a factor! Thanks for the wise words and a few new things for me to ponder!
This is the biggest one for me!!!