In case you don’t know, I embarked on a new journey to become a foster parent. The path is fraught with hoops and red tape (the guidelines astound me). I know we need the regulations because a foster parent assumes the responsibility for a child or children, but it’s insane. Along with the giant checklist of requirements, the agency provided oodles of education and recommendations. The result? Significant foster parenting fears.
The Rules
Becoming an adoptive or a foster parent can overwhelm a person because the number of checklist items is CRAZY. The application packet is like an inch thick, the Fire Marshal will come examine my house, and I have to lock up everything from Tylenol to bathroom cleaner.
Additionally frustrating is that the same rules the agency requires me to adhere to do not apply to birth parents. For example, I cannot have bunk beds for children. However, once the kids leave my care (reunited with their birth parents or caregiver), they may sleep in bunk beds. I understand the reasoning, but at times, it can seem a little much that I need to uphold higher standards than their birth parents.
Further, I have to watch the words I choose. The county agency cautioned us against using words like “drug-addicted” or “real parents” because those phrases shape the experience of the child. A child isn’t an “addict” because addiction is a behavioral phenomenon. Instead, babies are born “drug-exposed.” All parents are “real” so the proper term for biological parents is birth parents. It’s daunting to think that any single word (seemingly unimportant) could potentially have ill effects on the child.
Foster Parenting Fears
But, the worst? What gets me are the questions which roll through my mind endlessly (ever had this happen?). I realize my time will no longer be my own. And, while I’m okay with this in theory, what will it really be like? Will I be able to find a sitter? What if they hate me? Will I ever be able to go on a date again? How will I exercise? Will I find time to write? What will they need? Do I buy every size of pajamas and every size booster seat? Will they eat what I cook? Heaven help me!
Other things crowd my mind, like discipline and the need for endless patience (Jesus take the wheel). The agency forms ask me how I plan to discipline the child… a child I’ve never met. The truth? I’m not sure. At this point, I have no knowledge of the child, and, therefore, no idea what they will need. What if I get it wrong?
To reassure myself, I try to remember that I take care of people at work each week, sometimes in the direst of circumstances. I learned and grew and figured it out (and am still figuring medicine out). With fostering, it will be the same. I’ll stumble, face plant, get back up, learn and grow, and keep moving forward. I’ll deal with my foster parenting fears.
But, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.
So, why do I do this? Because somewhere out there is a kid who only had a bag of Dorito’s to eat today, and a child whose electricity is turned off and who may be living in a car. There’s a kid who is afraid of being hit or molested, and there are parents who need a break to get their lives back on track. Thus, I press on.
To finish this post, I need to enlist the help of all those who would consider watching the kid(s) so that I can go for a run, paddle boarding, or just go to work. I am taking any and all donations for kids ages 4-8 (approximately). Let me know of any interest! And, of course, I covet your prayers as my path continues.
Love, K.
Author, Ten Iron Principles
My prayers are with you every day. If I lived closer I would help babysit. God bless you with and lead you in the right direction.
Kelly, you know well how to love and that is the most important thing you can offer. Toss in your tenacity and I have no doubt you will figure it out and do it well!
Aww, thanks. I’m doing my best to “prepare” (used loosely because how can one prepare for something like this).
Ms. Kelly; I would first encourage you to connect with other godly foster parent. Not sure if you know Mrs. Heather Bock in our Blue Ridge group or not, but she’s a godly woman I would trust my own children with; and a foster mom. I can’t offer to sit for you, as I probably wouldn’t be qualified by the State of Maryland standards; even if I weren’t 1,300 miles away. Besides, “Running the bleachers, take a lap, front-leaning rest position, “knock out 25”, or assume ‘the dying cockroach’ would probably be frowned upon. What I can do is offer you the best piece of advice I know. Be the kind, wonderful, sweet, caring, adorable young woman you are, pray often, and trust God to help guide you through this season. I believe in you; and I am confident every child you are entrusted with will benefit from whatever time God gives you to invest in their lives.
Thank you so much for your encouragement!!! I will check in with her! (The dying cockroach??? 🙂
You’re very brave and noble. It is a huge responsibility and personal sacrifice to parent a child that isn’t your own and that may be removed from your home after you have loved them. That said, we need more people who are willing to give of themselves to help these children who need love and stability. You will do fine. Don’t let your doubts swirl in your head. None of us get a handbook. They just send us home from the hospital and miraculously our children survive. May God bless you and your family.
Thank you so much! I wish that I got a handbook!
After reading you may need to look at this from a different view. You may now have a running mate. You may be able to teach them healthy “outlets”. You may have someone to cook with. You may have a taste tester. You get to teach them healthy eating. As they may teach you a thing or too as well. Guess what? They probably won’t eat what you cook, mine don’t. Sometimes they love one thing one week and tell you they hate it the next. It’s totally normal??♀️( I think) You could open someone’s eyes to writing or journaling and give them a new perspective to look at life.
The things you are worried about being able to do are the things you can use to bond with them. They will have things to bring to the table as well so it will be a teaching moment for both of you……..welcome to parenthood, where no one really knows what we are doing but we love our kids and try our best!
You will be a great parent!
You are right, and I am very excited. It’s the unknown that is scary!!!