Depression: When the Walls Reach the Sky

Let me make an analogy for you, dearest readers, to relate what I’ve been going through lately. A few months ago, I went for a hike in Yosemite. The rock rose up on all sides stretching to the sky in smooth, powerful walls. The walls appeared un-climbable like I was in the bottom of a well. Similarly, I’ve recently endured depression, which had me feeling at the bottom of the rocks emotionally. There’s no way out; I’m stuck.

Feelings of No Hope

Indeed, this isn’t an easy thing for me to admit. In view of the fact that I’m an Ironman and I ran 100 -miles, I’m supposed to be tough, I’m supposed to be strong (my friends used to say to me, “Suck it up, Ironman” whenever I complained). And, I am strong. I can go the distance with the best of them when it comes to goal-related discipline. But, I’m not immune to sadness.

Previously, I associated depression with weakness. Then, about five years ago, I found myself unable to climb out of the pit. This crushing of my soul was the most overwhelming experience and lasted for months. I drew on an unknown depth of strength and sought help to get through.

Afterward, I felt the sadness every now and again. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I found the rock walls shooting up all around me.

I feel so goofy writing this… “Oh, she’s sweet but a psycho…” lyrics keep ringing in my mind.

But to be transparent, this draft was written on the first day I had my head above water for the last week and a half. Even today, I feel the pit crouching just below the surface.

Why does God call me to reveal my deep stuff? I’m likely to give Him a piece of my mind when I get to heaven.

At these times, I retreat. I can’t tolerate any further disappointments. I can’t add one more straw to the proverbial camel’s back. Holding on is all I can do in the moment.

Slip into Sadness

During the month of May, I committed to a fast of alcohol and TV to try to decrease the distractions in my life (I like being productive!). Ironically, these are the two ways I self-medicate when I’m sad. So, I had to find new ways to cope.

Never assume someone’s motive because you don’t know what they’re going through.

In Yosemite, there was still snow on top of the peaks left over from winter. At one point, we hiked precariously along a snow-covered path that angled straight off a cliff. The stretch of trail was heart pounding. We hiked in silence, laser-focused on each foothold lest we slip and fall off.

The last week and a half of my life were like that as well… like one false step would send me over the edge. Therefore, I backed up and had interactions only when I felt up to them and didn’t when I felt over-burdened.

Survive Depression

I can tell you what worked for me. Here’s the self-care I put into place.

1. Have a safe person who knows what’s going on. Not everyone in life is safe or trustworthy, but I have solid people I know I can rely on. I spent hours on the phone with one of my close friends sharing and keeping her in the loop.

2. Limit social media. People, I swear social media worsens my depression, so I turned off my notifications (and even my phone at times) to allow myself some time and quiet.

3. Cling to distractions. Ordinarily, I preach against distractions, but in this case, they provided a breather. God is amazing. On one of my worst days, He provided The Bee War from my post last week. It was a welcome break from the pressure I felt in my soul. Otherwise, I read books, went for a long run, and tried to do the things I enjoy.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33 ESV)

Please, if you feel down, don’t close yourself off entirely. When I thought I felt up to it, I did hang out with a friend for a low-key evening walking along the water and sharing a nice meal. My friends were lifelines available to me. You have them, too.

Conversely, reach out to someone if God places them on your heart. I received a couple of well-timed texts from a new friend checking in on me that seemed to come at the direst of times.

Keep Moving

I’m feeling better, but the depression still hovers in the background and rises to the surface though I’m thankful to be moving in a positive direction. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing with self-care and employing the help of trustworthy people.

A special shout out to Emma Todd, Giovanna Bellas, and Dana Mansour for being the kind of pillars a woman can lean on. And, a big thank you to my 252 class for tolerating me.

Prayers appreciated.

Love, K.