When to Forgive: Repairing Relationships

I’ve noticed over the years that forgiveness is misunderstood. There seems to be “criteria” on when to forgive.

These criteria are based on a faulty theory roaming around our culture which says that we have limited goodness and, thus, we have to be careful. Examples of this theory include:

• Don’t “like” too many posts because then your “like” won’t mean much. (???)
• To give someone else a compliment on how they look is the same as admitting you look worse. When we think someone looks nice, we should feel envy instead.
• If I forgive them then they will think their behavior is okay.

All of these statements are cut from the same cloth. It’s the “if I give, then there is less for me” mentality.

Man, oh, man. This just isn’t true.

If someone hurts us, we NEED to offer forgiveness. This isn’t the same as saying their behavior is okay. Let me repeat: forgiveness is not justification for poor behavior.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is freedom.

Here’s the thing: it’s not freedom for them…but for you.

Forgiveness says, “I understand that everyone wasn’t raised the way I was, with my values, and I accept that people think differently than I do.”

It’s about, “Regardless of whether I reconcile with this person, I release the wrongdoing because my heart and mind deserve healing.”

Forgiveness is realizing, “I let this go because it serves no productive purpose in my life.”

That’s a lot, right?

Give to Get

I wrote a series on love, and truly, we must give that which we seek most.

Lately, I have been empathically sensitive to the harmful comments of others.  It’s as if God placed a magnifying glass over the relationships in my everyday existence to illuminate which ones are life-giving. I need to put my energy into those people who shine a light.

Plus, I’m being called to be a life-giving friend to others! If you look around your world and think, “Whoa, so-and-so is so jacked up with XXX.” Odds are, you are so jacked up with XXX as well. We should lead with love instead of judgment.

(Incidentally, the farther out on the limb I go with my new book release, Ten Iron Principles, the more I seek out life-giving relationships. I’ve experienced great anxiety putting myself out there in written format for people to criticize! I literally save positive comments to read later when I start to feel that my life would be better if I lived smaller).

When to Forgive

Therefore, if we wish to receive forgiveness when we aren’t perfect (ahem, you, too), then we have to give it first. Understand that forgiveness does not negate wrongdoing but, instead, frees us from carrying old offenses in our baggage throughout life. Forgiving allows us to live in personal grace when we are wrong.

God puts it this way:

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:13 NIV).

We must forgive how we have been forgiven. As a Christian woman, I draw from God as the source. I forgive because God poured forgiveness down from above, and nothing I can do will make God love me any less (we can’t say that about most people). It is such a gift!

However, even if you’re not a Christian, we still make mistakes every day, and if we want the forgiveness of our peeps, we have to be willing to give it as well.

Summary

1. We forgive because we need to release toxic situations in our lives. Reliving wrongdoing over and over again in our heads repeats the offense and perpetuates pain like a CD player in the 80’s on repeat. (I dwell on everything, people).

2. We forgive because we mess up and don’t always deserve forgiveness. For me, that forgiveness first and foremost comes from God, but you can call it karma or energy from the universe.

3. Forgiveness doesn’t condone the behavior. In fact, it has nothing to do with the other person’s behavior at all. Instead, forgiveness releases us from being bound by an offense.

We need to forgive one another in relationships. I don’t think it’s possible to be joyful and at peace if we don’t.

Love, K.