Oh, dear. I guess I’ve always known this, but this week I experienced how rejection reveals the true character of a person. A friend said that disappointment brings out our true selves, and if that’s for real, I dodged a dating bullet.
Before I start, I want to say thank you to my readers. Being a writer is a difficult road, and I’m so grateful to those who take the time to check in on my posts. I also greatly appreciate those who share on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook. It makes a huge difference. You guys are my heroes!
Dating Life
Okay, so here’s the scoop. I’ve been dating a little bit here and there…I often give up on the idea of finding my person because I really like my life as it is (and people irritate me for the most part). Yet, there are two sticking points…
The first sticking point is companionship. I like to talk. Correction: I love to talk. I don’t think I could exist without stimulating conversation. Telling someone about my day is a fave of mine.
The second sticking point is I want the chance to build a marriage. I’m pretty selfish most days, and for some freakish reason (probably the same reason I ran 100-miles and climbed Pikes Peak), I want to see if I can learn sacrifice and compromise to such a degree as to build a thriving marriage. So, when I get weary from dating (like all the time), these two things bring me back.
But, I digress… (did I mention I love to talk?).
Outdoorsy Guy
Soooo, I recently went out on a few dates with a guy. Nice guy. Christian, outdoorsy, likes to do interesting things (I like adventure in the same way I like adventurous conversation). So, cool. Let’s see what happens.
We have a couple of Zoom dates (#coviddating) and then meet in person. And, it’s fine. I don’t expect fireworks, so I’m okay with how it goes. BUT, the conversation is “meh.” The stories are a bit long-winded (for my taste…someone else might love this style), and I don’t really feel any adversarial excitement.
However, friends tell me people can be nervous on the first date, so it’s worth another try. Plus, he’s a nice guy, a Christian, outdoorsy… so okay.
Second date is the same. But, I reason, we’ve only met in person twice. Surely, you cannot get the full picture of someone from a few hours. We played catch with a football, which is interesting, and he read my book, which is so thoughtful. However, the conversation is still as flat as a pre-Columbus map. Okay, I’ll try again.
The third date is tennis, which again is very out-of-the-box. I appreciate this! And, I don’t mind talking with him, but I don’t overly enjoy it. It’s work. Maybe we are simply on different pages. He calls the next day to ask me to go to the beach that weekend, and I tell him nicely that I enjoyed how he planned dates and how outdoorsy he was, but I really didn’t feel any sparks between us. I wished him well.
Okay, fine.
Rejection Reveals True Character
THEN the texts started coming! Oh, calamity! (I’m reading Big Little Lies right now and am stealing this from that book to use indefinitely.) He’s off the rocker or the reservation or whatever.
So. Much. Anger.
“I feel you wasted my time.”
“Sadly, you are all the things you said you were in your book: prideful, judgemental, self-righteous, performance driven, arrogant and ungrateful.”
“You lack empathy and compassion among other things (humility, respect, etc.)”
Then why did you ask me to go to the beach??? Did I transform in a matter of hours? He wanted his words to sting, but they really said more about him. I know his comments come from pain, and I was as gracious as I could be in my responses.
Spoiler Alert: I’m. Not. Perfect. I mean, I throw my hand in the ring with personal growth like every day. I’m also reading Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, and have an online love affair with the Craig Groeschel Leadership Podcast. Despite all that, apparently, I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea (I wonder what kind of tea I would be…hmm).
But, isn’t funny how certain situations will bring out our true selves? How rejection will reveal true character?
Put people in the crucible, and who they are is what comes out. Just ask any customer service representative I’ve ever spoken with (my nemeses).
As my mom says, “Whoa.”
I’m committed to growing and learning from this! Please comment with your insight.
Yours truly,
K.
Author of Ten Iron Principles, Contributor in The Power to Make a Difference
Ah, Kelly. I feel your pain in all of this. I do think relationships take a lot of work…but by the sounds, not that much work. I don’t know the whole story. I am not Dear Abby, but to me it sounds like his response was the wrong one…the immature, I have baggage, one. Being married is a wonderful goal. But being married to the wrong person is always disastrous. Sounds like you did the right thing. Hugs!!
Thank you for this encouragement!
Kelly, you do not lack compassion. From a distance, I’ve experienced your compassion. What he felt was lack of compassion for his situation because he wasn’t looking long term. You are a long term gal.
I cringe a bit when I see young women looking for “sparks” , because that’s an easily misunderstood word. Look for connection. Intellectual and emotional. You are right, good conversation is so essential. Life changes us but being able to talk it out and work through change is essential.
Don’t give up, but don’t give in either! If God intends a mate for you then sooner or later you will meet him. You are just in the process of learning the essentials.
Loretta, I am a “long term gal;” I am all about the long game. Your advice is wonderful, and I have started to shy away from the “spark theory” because great conversation is what I really enjoy. Sparks have never really panned out in the past.
I really enjoyed this post, Kelly. Your comment “did I transform in a matter of hours” is very true and I am glad you were able to view it rightly. I too like to talk and recall meeting up with this guy (now my husband) every Monday after work to walk and talk. I knew it was something to pursue when the walks would last 3+ hours and many days of the week I was longing for it to be Monday. These days I get excited for our drives to the beach because that means we have 3-4 hours to talk. Good communication and conversation are a gift in marriage that you very wisely desire.
I hope you are doing well. Keep writing!!!
I remember when you and Daniel were talking!!! It’s nice to hear that someone else loves conversation as much as I do. Thank you for the encouragement!