Here’s the situation: something bad happened and a relationship is in turmoil (a friendship, romantic relationship, or family relation). Now what? Undoubtedly, some of it depends on the situation, but the responsibility for repair lies with us. Moreover, the best way is to start with an apology.
I know, I know… maybe it wasn’t your fault. The other person was being a total jerk. Unfortunately, loving someone else (in any form) can cloud our vision of the true events. Let me tell you with certainty (and I’m going to cut deep with this one), we had something to do with it (Ouch, right?).
All of us carry responsibility in every relationship mess, albeit maybe not equally. However, there is always something we can do or address in our own behavior in light of recent conflict. A learning point exists in every interpersonal tangle we encounter.
Start with an Apology
How do you address it? Start with an apology. So, we say, “I’m sorry,” and we’re done. Right? Not exactly.
Some change needs to accompany an apology even if it’s just having a tad more patience. Or learning to be more aware of the other person’s perspective.
“But, I didn’t do anything wrong. I stand by my behavior.”
Indeed, this thought is the kiss of death in relationships. Subsequently, we need to open our eyes and see that others don’t give and receive love in the same way that we do (Check out The Five Love Languages). A relationship or friendship is the interplay of two people, two sets of values, two hearts, and two minds. Because of this, we cannot be successful if we only look at our own side of things.
Why Relationships Fail
In my first post of this series on Why Relationships Fail, I discussed six scenarios responsible for relational upheavals. Accordingly, I believe that to start with an apology addresses two of the scenarios: anger and selfishness.
We are all human, and I have to remind myself all the time that expecting perfection is unrealistic. I’m going to make mistakes. I will. It’s not “if” but “when.”
However, if we lose our temper with someone, display overt anger, or if we are constantly thinking of our own needs over that of the other person, we’re in the wrong. Plain and simple. No other person’s poor behavior can justify our own poor behavior.
An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins (Proverbs 29.22).
Repeat Offenders
At the same time, I’m not totally hardcore. On the contrary, I have a caveat here. Sometimes people don’t take responsibility for their own actions and wait for the other person to do it… repeatedly.
To be sure, I usually give people a couple of chances, but after that, the possibility of reconciliation is difficult. After all, one has to be 100% committed to any friendship or relationship for it to have real meaning and depth. Acquaintances are a different story. However, if you want to be in the inner circle of someone’s life, you’re going to have to own your crap.
So what can we do? In conclusion, here are three parts to an apology (No, the half-hearted “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it).
1. Be accountable for your part
In the first place, I think a lack of accountability is what is wrong with the world today. To explain, people brush off their own responsibility in situations or punt to other people under the guise of self-entitlement. We need to OWN our words, tone of voice (my insides cringe here), our actions, and our thoughts. All of them. All the time. We cannot truly offer an apology if we don’t take responsibility for ourselves.
2. Empathy
Secondly, if we don’t feel bad about our actions, we can’t offer an apology. Furthermore, if we really don’t care that the other person was hurt, the relationship most likely should not be repaired (and we need to evaluate our own hearts).
It is not our job to understand; instead, it’s our job to “do” (I talk about this in my book, Ten Iron Principles). We may not fully relate to why the other person feels the way they do, but if their pain doesn’t move us at all, a relationship with that person is not a good idea for either party. Our job isn’t to understand, it’s to love.
3. Make It Right
Finally, to fully give an apology, we have to offer restitution for the offense. If we are selfishly guarding our time and our significant other feels ignored, then we need to do something to create time in our schedule for them. If our friend says that we don’t seem to be listening, then we need to commit to making an honest effort to increase our focus. In summary, we need to mend the crack.
To highlight this, I once had a conflict with someone, and I expressed how his actions bothered me. He immediately made restitution for his behavior. When I asked him why he replied with a Bible verse.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18).
Boom. Here’s the key: for success in our interpersonal lives, we have to feel it’s more important to repair the relationship than to be right.
Love, K.
Well said Ms. Kelly. Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of a mess and we don’t even realize the role we played in creating it. In the “rear view of our lives” we can see the part we played. It is then we must determine in our hearts to make it right. Sometimes it means forgiving another, but i also means we must be willing to forgive ourselves. Once we’ve done that. Once we’ve returned to a right relationship with ourselves and our God, then how the other person reacts to our efforts is between them and God. What a great post ma’am. Congratulations again on Ten Iron Principles. I am watching it climb the rankings in Amazon Bestseller ratings in several categories each day it seems. So proud of you and your effort to make an impact in God’s kingdom ma’am.
I think it’s almost a self-preservation reflex to assign blame to the other person and block a correct self-assessment. And, you are definitely right, forgiveness plays a HUGE part (and will come up later in this series).
Thank you for your support of Ten Iron Principles!
Your comment: “All of us carry responsibility in every relationship mess.”
struck me as false. My counter example:
Jesus and Judas Iscariot – that was a relationship mess, all on Judas’ part.
Although Jesus is the only One Who is perfect, I sincerely think some relationship failures are one-sided.
Jesus was the infallible son of God… no other human can say that. It’s not really a reasonable comparison. While I do agree that responsibility in some conflicts can lie more with one side in egregious offenses, we still each have our part to play. Praying for you!
I agree with you that this is key: “we have to feel it’s more important to repair the relationship than to be right.” Thank you for sharing these thought-provoking tips!
Great insights on repairing relationships and bridging a gap. This really spoke to me: ” … for success in our interpersonal lives, we have to feel it’s more important to repair the relationship than to be right.” Aha! So true. Thank you!
It’s a lesson I learn every day.
“No other person’s poor behavior can justify our own poor behavior.” We all do well if we remember this truth. Thank you.
Apologies are definitely the way to begin repair work. “Work” is the operative word. It’s not always easy, and it takes effort. Thanks for the reminder!
You hit the nail on the head. People don’t want to work to improve things because it does take real effort.